It’s 2005. And I’m sat here at some ungodly hour, probably should be sleeping, but instead I’m writing this down because I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.
I’ve been getting to work at 4am, sometimes 5am. Staying till 6, 7, 8 at night. Going in on Saturdays. And for what? None of this is necessary. But I can’t help myself. I’ve always felt like I have to give more than everyone else just to justify my wages, to justify a retainer, to justify my bloody existence.
If you’ve had an abusive past, you’ll get this. You’ll understand why I’m wired this way.
When I look back at my childhood, at those early years that are supposed to shape you, all I can remember is being beaten down. Physically beaten, yes. But also constantly told I was unwanted, useless, pathetic, a waste of space. These weren’t the exact phrases people used back in the sixties, but that’s what was drummed into me.
A little boy spending his first two decades living in absolute dread, in constant fear of the person who loved dishing out abuse.
And here’s the thing nobody talks about.
Throw in an element of neurodivergence, ADHD, autism, whatever you want to call it, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
Because back in the sixties, seventies, eighties, nobody was looking for that. Nobody was thinking, “that child seems a bit different to the others.” Not in a bouncing off the walls way, but different nonetheless.
I didn’t join in with the gangs or the groups. I didn’t participate. I was afraid all the time. But nobody noticed. Or if they did, they certainly weren’t writing anything down. Nobody was saying, “we think this child might need a little bit of extra help, a little bit of extra care, an arm across the shoulder.”
So is it any surprise that here I am, in my early forties, feeling like a useless, worthless, pointless individual who is completely irrelevant? I honestly can’t think what purpose my life has.
But here I am. Somehow, I need to put this note away and crack on.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to share this with somebody and say, look, I understand. I get it. Because sometimes that’s all we need, isn’t it? Just someone who gets it.
Quick FAQs
Why do childhood experiences affect adult self-worth?
Early experiences shape how we see ourselves and our place in the world. When children are repeatedly told they’re worthless or unwanted, these messages become internalised beliefs that persist into adulthood, affecting everything from work habits to relationships.
What is neurodivergence and how was it missed in the past?
Neurodivergence refers to conditions like ADHD and autism. In the 1960s-1980s, awareness was minimal and children who didn’t fit typical patterns were often misunderstood or ignored rather than supported. Many went undiagnosed and unsupported through critical developmental years.
Why do abuse survivors often overwork?
Many abuse survivors develop an unconscious need to prove their worth through excessive work. Having been told they were worthless as children, they feel they must constantly justify their existence by giving more than others, seeking validation they never received.
Can you recover from childhood abuse as an adult?
Recovery is possible but complex and ongoing. It typically involves recognising how past abuse shaped current behaviours, challenging internalised negative beliefs, and often requires professional support. Many survivors find healing through sharing their experiences and connecting with others who understand.